A poem, a few one-liners, and off to work I go!

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From Mrs. Y…..
 
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen… and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:

1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets thecheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is nolifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

….and the all time favorite-

– If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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It’s been raining here since last night and temp has dropped about 30 degrees… I don’t think Nicco is going to have his soccer game tonight.  I know I should be sad, but… 🙂  Time for work. Cya!
 
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One Response to A poem, a few one-liners, and off to work I go!

  1. Larry says:

    I see you are off to a good start this morning!

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